Sometimes, when I choose not to think about it, I forget that Joey has issues to deal with. Sometimes I get a little reminder. Over the last few days, I've had a few of them.
It started with seeing my therapist for the first time in a few months. My first thought was telling her about Joey's diagnosis. We had limited time and I wanted to get her thoughts on play therapy and possibly a referral to another therapist in her clinic. She then hit me with something I wasn't ready for. "How are you dealing with this?" "I'm fine" is always my answer. This is not about me, it's about Joey. But, of course, she soon reminded me of what I've read before: that there is a certain amount of grieving that needs to be done when your child is diagnosed with something and you realize that their life's path will be greatly altered. Maybe it's something I haven't been ready to face. Maybe it's something I can only take in small doses.
The next day was our usual speech appointment with Rosie. I picked up Joey from preschool and took him to his 4 year check up at the pediatrician. He did great, especially because he already had his shots. I wanted to reward him for how well he's been doing so we went to Wal-Mart to pick up a Lego set before we met with Rosie. Bad move on my part. We headed home and the struggle began to get him to focus. I put him in time out to see if I could get him to focus but that didn't work. Instead, he locked himself in his room and couldn't get himself out. It is events like this that just make me want to cry. I can't help my son and I feel like a total failure as a mother. It happens, Rosie assured me, but does she really understand Joey? Half the time, I don't think I do...but I'm trying.
After Rosie left, Joey was fine. All he wanted to do was be home and play with his new Lego set. This is why I blame myself for messing up his speech therapy appointment. I should have known better. So many things need to be analyzed and considered in Joey's day. I sometimes wonder what it's like to just BE.