Saturday, August 18, 2012

August 18, 1972

40 years ago today, my maternal grandfather died, less than a month shy of his 60 birthday. I obviously never knew him, but thinking of him today reminds me of the fact that this event, 2 years before I was born, is one of the events that shapes my behavior today. Living a majority of my life without any grandparents is what reminds me of the importance of Joey having a relationship with his grandparents. It also makes me think that I should've named him Vincenzo...I think he could've pulled it off. Shortly after Vincent died, my grandmother Grace started acting "strange." Family members attributed it to her husband passing. But in just a few years, she would find herself living in an adult home, then transitioning into a nursing home. I believe I was 6 at this time. She died in that nursing home when I was 20. She had Alzheimer's and lived her last few years attached to a feeding tube and breathing machine. My Dad's Mom died when I was 15. His Dad is still alive but we don't speak. I can't help but feel that I was robbed of this special relationship that a child shares with his grandparents. This is why I make sure Joey sees my parents every week. yesterday, my Dad picked Joey up from school. They picked up my Mom and went to Chili's and then Target for a dinosaur and some books about Legos and dinosaurs. This marks the first time my parents ever took Joey out by themselves. He did great them and I'm so glad that this can set the precedent for more fun times to come.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sleeping over

    This really is a week of "firsts": Joey fell asleep at Neema's and Grandpa's while waiting for us. Of course it was 11:45 when he fell asleep but he has never had a sleep over at their house without me. What happened to my little boy? So grown up now.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The great baby debate

I love when people tell me or Bryan we should adopt, when we weren't even talking about children. It's like, "How are you? Have you thought of adopting?" Ummm...thanks for the advice...sorry we don't meet society's "kid quota" of 2+ children but we're good. Plus, it's not like you can decide 1 day to go pick out a child. Adoption, like IVF, takes a lot of money. Should I sacrifice my son's well being, his services, and his future college education all because I have to meet that quota? People are nuts.
Due to my recent medical issues, the question of "Will there be a Baby Hogan?" has come up again. And the few people that we have chosen to share that news with have decided to add their 2 cents. 
Yes, I wanted to have 2 kids...when I was younger. And getting remarried brought up the possibility of me getting pregnant again. But when nothing happened for years, we both quietly gave up. 
We never announced we were trying. No one knew. It was painful enough just between us. 
Now that I'm 38, the reality is it won't happen without medical intervention. Can I handle that, plus the invasive-ness of it all?
What people don't get is that I wanted to have a baby with Bryan. To me, that is the only reason to have a baby. We are already raising a child together. I don't "need" to raise another one with him. But I did want to give him one of his own - that is the ultimate gift. To me, there is no need to raise someone else's kid, just so we can say we had one together. It doesn't belong to either of us. I would only sacrifice my body, my health, my career, and the chance of having a child with special needs (due to my "advanced maternal age" and genetic link to Autism) if I were giving Bryan a child that was half me and half him.
And that is just my 2 cents!


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The eve of 2nd grade

My baby starts 2nd grade tomorrow. Every "first' for him is always a "last" for me. I relish every one of them. Where has the time gone? I want to hold onto him so badly, yet , at the same time, I'm anxious to watch him grow. It reminds me of one of his baby blankets. It said..."Can't they always stay small..." or something like that.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

"July To Do"

I was going through my iPad notes and reviewing my July To Do list so that I could forward it to my email and delete it. Joey, patiently waiting for the iPad, says, "Wait, let me read it." He then sounded out "July To Do" quickly and without errors. I'm so proud of him! We just need to get over the hump of him struggling, and as it becomes easier to him, his confidence will build and trying to get him to read won't be like pulling teeth!