Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Building life, love, relationships and parenting on experience learning and communication by Bryan Hogan

I am engaged to a wonderful woman who has a son from a previous marriage. He is my soon to be stepson that is the most fantastic person on earth. As a parent I am sure you understand the love that I have for him and her both. There are no words to describe how I feel. If I were an elegant writer I would ramble on for chapters on how much they both mean to me, however, of course, I am not.

My step-son was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS. This is an Autism disorder that can not be classified. He is a very intelligent and loving kid and exhibits Autism like characteristics. Stepping into a shattered life from a divorce, especially when there is a child involved is daunting. I have learned a lot in this last year, but each day I realize how much more there is to learn.

If only there were a manual or a class I could take, maybe that would make it easier, of course, there is not and we have to learn by experience. Experience learning is often times very painful and straining on relationships. Each parent pulls from their past experiences and tries to parent the best they can by what they learned when they were raised.

Often the parents disagree on what they believe to be in the best interest for the child and their relationship with one another. This of course can be attributed to the different parenting styles and life paths they took before coming together. With a child with a development disorder, it is infinitely more difficult to come to agreement and figure out what is best for everyone. These parents must forget what they have learned in the past and how they were raised. Each child is unique and it takes teamwork to survive.

Building a relationship based upon communication and teamwork is tough. Our days are filled with snxiety, stress, and exhaustion. Whether it be that we are driving an hour and half to work in bumper to bumper traffic, racing across town to get to an appointment, buying a house and creating a home, or worry about loosing a job and how to pay the bills, there are many emotions that keep you on a roller coaster ride from the time you wake up to the time you collapse at night.

With the exhaustion and frustration of the day, coming home at night to our loved ones is all that matters. Even though you both are exhausted, you must come together and talk. The never ending task of building your relationship and growing your love for each other is a high priority. Very few people like to be alone, and especially when you find that special someone, your only concern is growing that love, respect and relationship with them.

Because communication breaks down over the emotions of the day, it is hard to find the time to connect with one another and talk, even though it is of upmost importance. Each of us have our own way of dealing with our stressors, some like to read gossip on their computer or play with MySpace, and others need quiet time with a book or a movie.

Alone time is important, but you must find the time for each other and reconnect or else the other will feel that an effort is not being made and love is lost. It is very important to be open and communicate with each other. It is important to find true relaxation and inner peace in each other, if not the relationship may become strained and the stressors of the day get heavier and eventually explode. You need someone to listen and love.

No matter how much you put forth into your relationship and being a parent, you are always going to make a mistake. I have made many and unfortunately because I am not perfect I will make more. Relationships will be strained and miscommunication will happen. It is important that you find the time and reconnect. It is also important to let the other person know what is on your mind and what is driving your actions.

Without an open and communicative relationship it is difficult to build your love, respect for one another and your relationship. You’re building a family, a home, a career, a balance sheet and a life together. So stay in contact with one another and let them know how you feel. It takes more than one person to live life. It takes teamwork. It takes love and above all else it takes communication and understanding.

Spend some time with your loved ones today, forget about the stressors of the day and continue your journey together. Only your team will succeed. It is important to us that our son has everything he needs, our love, our affection, our strength and our family. These are all built on communication and love.

Today, I am going home to my beautiful fiancé and my soon to be step-son. I will have forgotten the stressors of the day and I will be open with them and make sure they know how much they mean to me. I will ask my fiancé for forgiveness for not knowing it all yet, and for making mistakes. I will tell her that I love her without question and until the end of time. I will promise to her that each day I will work to become a better man for her and our son. They deserve it, especially my little buddy.

I will take our son in my arms and give him a big Spiderman hug. We will fly like Batman and we will sit together watching Buzz Light Year save the galaxy 5 times. I will make sure he knows that I am there for him and I will make sure he feels the love I have for him and his mother.

1 comment:

The DeNigris's said...

Bryan, you are an incredible human being. I am so glad that Meesh and Joey found you!